Khloe Katdashian: Thanks for Shitting on My Bed.

Here’s a Good Way To Get Really Bad Service In A Restuarant:

Be 500lbs, come into a restaurant with your family of 11 who are mostly screaming kids, and proclaim, “Party of 11, no gratuity.” Needless to say it took us almost 20 minutes in a near-empty restaurant to seat her because every server in the place was like I AM NOT TAKING HER. Listen, if you can’t afford gratuity- eat at home. Or leave your kids home. Pay someone $8 an hour to watch your kids because it will be cheaper than feeding them in a restaurant and paying for gratuity for 11 people. And no, gratuity isn’t optional, we don’t work for free. Do you? No, I didn’t think so.

In other news, I had a(nother) total meltdown at work…. and now I’m training to be a server! When in doubt, just cry.

And now for another terrible story:

So this new kitten I’ve had for a week and a half. She’s super cute, super affectionate, but also kind of a bitch. I’ve changed her name from Chloe to Khloe Katdashian because she’s also high maintenance, and this is why…

I’ve been mainly keeping her in my room because at first she was really afraid of the other cat and the dogs. Now she has free range of the house but since she sleeps with me, I keep a small litter box in my room. Well I got some pine litter that comes in like pellet form and switched it up from the usual Fresh Step. I wake up yesterday morning to little Khloe clawing around my comforter. I smell a waft of shit. So I think to myself “oh, gross. Must stop using this pine litter, it obviously does not absorb any of the smell.” Cut to an hour later when I’m digging around my bed for my phone charger. I pull it out of my comforter and there is SHIT ON THE CORD. My worst fear comes true. I look in the comforter to find that this little princess shit on my bed.

My bed is my sacred place. I had been violated.

Immediately I disposed of the shit and wiped the comforter with clorox wipes. Then I took it to the basement and let it soak in the wash sink with bleach for like four hours before washing it. I thought about buying a new duvet cover and down comforter but….. I’m really poor at the moment. MORE BLEACH.

Ughhhhh. I’d always heard about cat pissing on beds but I thought it was weird and like a spite kind of thing. Until I realized that I guess a down comforter is pretty good at hiding shit, like poops. Khloe did not like the litter, so she decided to shit on my bed. I changed back the litter and she has resumed using her litter box. Point taken. 1 point Khloe Katdashian, 0 points Alyssa.

But then I was like Oh My God I’m becoming one of those people. One of those gross people with cats who shit on their bed. I’m moving into a studio apartment with two cats and she’s going to shit on my bed and I’ll never be able to have a gentleman caller or anything because the cat shat on my bed. I might as well be featured on Hoarders right now. I had brief glimpses of giving her back to the adoption agency. Sorry- no can do, she shit on my bed. I’ve had Milo for over a year and he’s NEVER shit on my bed OR for that matter used anything other than the litter box. He doesn’t even scratch things. He would shit in a pile of leaves as long as you put it in the litter box. But no. Miss princess won’t use pine litter. No, no. Only Fresh Step for her.

My comforter has been thoroughly washed and now delightfully smells of bleach. One way to make you become a clean freak is to get cats. When I think about my apartment I only think about cleaning. Vaccuuming with my $500 Dyson and bleaching the crap out of every surface.

I knew I was a Dog Person.

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