There are two ways one can experience dress shopping. Either you are really excited about it and find the perfect dress really easily, or you see it as a daunting task and it takes you hours of trying stuff on to find something. I just experienced the latter. I’ve been trying for weeks to find a dress for my friend’s wedding. I already ordered and returned two dresses that I bought online. I’d spent hours browsing online. I spent probably 4 hours looking in actual stores, but today I finally found one! The only problem is that initially I fell in love with these shoes first and wanted to find something that matched them, and the dress I finally decided on does not match in any way shape or form. So I may have to buy them in black as well. Or dye them. Or fashion my own bows for another pair of black heels. Yet to be determined.
This is my shoe cabinet that I purchased from IKEA a while back. It literally took me 6 hours to put together, and then I swapped out the knobs with knobs from Anthropologie that were on sale but never ever stay upright. The entire cabinet is filled with shoes, and then there are even more in my closet. Do you know how many of them I wear? None. I probably wear exactly 6 pairs of shoes – 1 pair of work sneakers, 1 pair of boots, 2 pairs of rainboots, 2 pairs of flip flops.
Back to the dresses! I’m not going to lie, one of my ulterior motives for dress shopping today was the first day of the VS Semi Annual Secret Sale. I considered being there at 8am on the dot but I got there at 10:30. I was good, I only bought 2 pairs of Lacies and 1 pair of very soft cute polka dot underwear and a ruched bikini bottom (regular price). The bottom pair in this photo are the bikini bottoms.
I didn’t get any bras because the entire 36D bin was filled with bras that had excessive padding on them. Can you tell me who with 36D boobs needs excessive padding? I know I don’t. WTF. I’m glad I ordered those bras from the website last week. The in-store sale is always hit or miss.
So then I tried on a million and a half dresses. I fell in love with a yellow linen one at Zara that looked similar to the one in the photo below. It was vneck in the front and then had a low V back. It looked way better on me than on that girl in the photo and I fit in a medium! which was super exciting. I really love yellow dresses because it gives me a great excuse to get unhealthily tan. HOWEVER… the top was completely unlined. I put it on with my bra and it looked great, but you could see my bra in the back. So I took off the bra and it was HELLO NIPPLES. Even if I put on little nipple pasties you could probably still see them. I loved it so much that I thought about buying it and installing lining myself, but I really did not want to turn it into and arts and crafts project. I just want to know who the hell designed that dress and why. I’m pretty sure everyone, even men, have nipples. I wasn’t about to invest in a low back bra that probably would do nothing but annoy me, and I don’t know if you’ve ever tried stick on bras but the hot second you start sweating they fall off. I was pretty annoyed. But I pressed on.
So then I went into Arden B. because I saw a ton of dresses on sale. Oh, sale. Here’s another thing, I’m not sure if you know this but I’m broke ass poor. Weddings are expensive, and they’re very expensive when you have a million friends getting married and don’t even have a real job. For this particular wedding, I’m traveling all the way down to North Carolina, so on top of the bridal shower gift, the wedding gift, and the dress, I have travel and hotel expenses to cover. So my budget was optimistically $40 or less. I may have caved for $50 if I really loved it. This is the dress I tried on at Arden B. I saw the sequins and thought MERMAID! My perpetual goal in life is to look like a mermaid. It looked nice on the hanger, but then when I tried it on I looked like Deena from Jersey Shore. Too much hoebag happening with the spandex. Good for da club, not so much for a wedding.
I found nothing at Macys. I found nothing at Nordstrom. I found nothing at BCBG. I found nothing at Cache. I found nothing at Loft. Nothing at White House Black Market. Etc.
Finally I went into JCPenney because one time I found a really cute skirt in there for $35 and I was really impressed by the quality. I came across this blue dress and decided to try it on. It’s a Junior’s size 13 which is code for obesity- and it fit! The last time I wore Junior’s clothing I was a size 3. My, how things have changed. But it looks really cute and actually makes me look smaller than I am. And then I saw the price tag… $14! Someone had obviously returned it because it had a makeshift tag and was probably on super duper clearance. I was cooked. I bought it. It was god’s way of justifying the underwear purchase that I don’t even need.
The best part was sending a photo to my best friend who is very very VERY high maintenance. This girl has a new $500 bag every time I see her. We are polar opposites and somehow it works. I was like “I bought this dress at JCPenney and it was $14, try not to vomit.” The best part is that I’m driving to this wedding with her and she’s going to have to stomach the fact that I’m wearing a dress for $14. I hope we match at least.
So after that was accomplished, I bought two Yankee Candles at the semi annual sale because they were half off and I’m a hoarder, one in lime and one in strawberry. I also went to Marshall’s to find a Speedo top after an unsuccessful search at Dick’s Sporting Goods and settled for a Nike 1 piece bathing suit for $15. I mean, I only need it to swim in for exercise in the adult pool so it’s not like there’s going to be anyone there under 80 to judge me. I also got a slutty black lace top to wear to work for $6.99 because I always have more fun at work when I look like a whorebag. Not to mention, you can never have enough shirts for work when you work every day and get covered in food. There is not a laundromat in the world that could keep up with me.