Since I can’t study or sleep effectively, I might as well write some nonsense. Right? Right! At work I come into more contact with kids than I have probably since I was a kid. When I worked in the city I saw kids as a foreign species, since children are hidden in schools during commuter rat hours. Literally, I would have heart palpitations if I saw a stray child.
Anyway, now that I deal with kids, I think a lot about how they think, since they do some pretty weird things. For example, yesterday I sat a table and me and the woman actually thought her child was attempting to eat a pair of crayons encased in plastic. It turns out he was just trying to get it open…. with his entire mouth. This lead me to a long bath-time mental monologue about the differences between being a kid and being an adult. Behold:
Kids: Hate baths, never want to get in the bath, but once they’re in- they never want to get out. Preferred temperature is room temperature to just plain freezing. Priority activity is drowning figurines. Bath time is not over until child is shriveled, shivering, and has watched the little tornado at the drain as the water goes down, and has completely exited the tub. Activity is usually shared with sibling. Frequency- every other day.
Adults: Usually substitute with showers. Frequency- every day to several times a day. Generally a solo activity but can be shared with a playmate occasionally. Priority activities are getting clean, shaving, forgetting about life, thinking philosophically, maybe singing. Temperature- varies between species. Warm for men, hot hot hot for women. Neither can tolerate cold, cold actually makes them quite angry and volatile.
Kids: #1 summer activity. Will not get out until they can no longer open their eyes from all of the chlorine. They will throw up from choking on water, but still get right back in. Hair will be matted and un-brushable for at least three months. The colder, the better. Species can not understand why it is so hard to get their parents to come in. Someone pooping in the public pool is the greatest tragedy in life at this point, because then it closes.
Adults: View pools as public toilets. Cannot physically stand the temperature. Would rather kill themselves than get their hair wet. Will not open their eyes under water. Immediately feel water in their ears. Cannot stand splashing.
Kids: Deathly intolerable experience unless it is the toy store. Will cry and carry on until parent can no longer stand to be in public with said animal. Terrible experience for all involved. Have no interest in picking out clothing. View the try-on room as cruel and unusual punishment.
Adults: Leisure activity, sometimes addiction. Prefer to shop without children or company (at least I am a lone shopper, but that could be the addiction/shame talking). Strive to pick out as many things as possible to try on, and buy as many as possible to get the biggest discount with featured coupon. Will usually have buyers remorse and return at least 20% of frivolous purchases.
Kids: Can cook pancakes, cereal, scrambled eggs. Hate weird looking or smelling food. Prefer everything with ketchup. McDonalds is delicious. If it involves a cartoon character, they will eat it.
Adults: The more exotic the better. Oh you’ve never been to that Tibetan place down the street? Can cook pasta, hamburgers, chicken (at least). Almost never use ketchup except for fries. Are obsessed with cheese. View McDonald’s as toxic waste and America’s downfall. Have feelings of guilt tied into every meal.
Kids: Hate getting up for school. Love recess. Love themed days. Love lunch time. Incapable of focusing on homework. Do not understand “concluding paragraph.” Know multiplication times like the back of their hand.
Adults: Wish they could go back to elementary school. Never have recess. Never have themed days. Rarely get a fun lunch. Almost too good at focusing on work. Wish they could write a ‘concluding paragraph’ again or anything not involving spreadsheets. Can not add, subtract, divide, or multiply for shit. That’s what calculators are for.
Kids: Horrific. (For the longest time I thought sex was when Barbie and Ken got in the same sleeping bag and just kissed a lot). Vow to never do it. Never think of their parents doing it.
Adults: Don’t get to do it enough. Are sometimes obsessed with it. Can be painfully aware of their parents doing it way too much. Activity may result in aforementioned species (kids).
Kids: N-n-n-n-n-ick-nick-nick- Nickelodeon. Rocco’s Modern Life. Rugrats. Eureka’s Castle. Wishbone. Recess. Hey Dude. Clarissa Explains It All. Alex Mac. Shows feature idealism, morals, and fantasy.
Adults: Mad Men, sports, Entourage, Real Housewives of Every City, Lost, The Sopranos, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Access Hollywood, Law and Order SVU. Shows feature corruption, scandal, heartbreak, criticism, and pure screaming drama.
Kids-immediate thought: footballs, soccer balls, lacrosse balls, inflatable balls, bouncy balls, squishy balls, basket balls, baseballs, etc.
Adults- immediate thought: hairy naked man balls standing at your refrigerator in the middle of the night. Or worse.
Kids- immediate thought: chuckle. Two circles with two dots in the middle.
Adults: too big, too small, to saggy, too pointy, too dark, too light, too hard, too fake, too cold, breast augmentation, breast reduction, breast lift, breast cancer, breast feeding, breast man.
Kids- $7 means you’re rich. $100 means you’re set for life.
Adults- You could wipe your nose with $7. $100 means you’re destined for life in a cardboard box.
Kids- AMAZING.I will have a pet iguana and I will walk him around the block and take him to school and we will be best friends and everyone will think I’m really cool.ˆ
Adults- Commitment phobia. Having a dog means never being able to spend the night out like a hussy, never being able to spontaneously leave for the weekend, spending a million dollars at the vet, and having to clean up shit and puke for the next 10 years.
A Doctor’s Visit:
Kids: The most horrific news ever. Absolutely petrifying. Will certainly end in some kind of shot.
Adults: A great excuse to get out of school/work/social plans you don’t want to attend. Needles mean bloodwork which mean possibly more doctor’s visits which mean getting out of more work which is awesome. May result in serious painkiller perscriptions, which are also awesome.