Last night the cult of Elohim tried to convert me for the fourth time. I only figured out who they were just now with some savage Googling. Hint: if you have been approached in the NY area with the line, “Hi, we’re students, can you help us with a project? Have you heard of the female image of God?” That’s these fuckers.
The first time I encountered these people were a year and a half ago on roughly 9th Ave and 40th-ish in the city. I was standing on a corner waiting for a date to meet me before dinner. These innocent looking girls came up to me and asked me those very questions. I have a soft spot for academia, and being pretty well educated I was ready to oblige, especially having been one credit short of a Women’s Studies minor. But then they started getting all up in my business. What religion was I? Did I go to church? I’m Catholic by birth and no, I don’t go to church. And no, I don’t even believe in any kind of deity. They were getting way too personal on me and I started to sense that I was being trapped into some kind of conversion attempt so when I spotted the guy across the street I quickly made my exit and ran into his arms.
I forget where I was the second time they did this to me in the city but I pretty much ignored them and kept walking. I really hate when people try to solicit things or talk about religion with you when it is clearly uninvited. Listen, if you’re going to try to market something to me, set up a stand and offer me free shit. Otherwise, don’t waste my time. In Penn Station these guys always say, “Miss, can I ask you a question about your hair?” trying to get you to go to some salon and get roped into some kind of deal. Having hair that looks like a rats nest most of the time, they often corner me. Toward the end of my career I decided the best way to counteract their suave and relentless ways was to just yell NOOOOOOOOOOOO and keep walking. It’s pretty effective and makes heads turn, which is kind of funny. Also I can’t stand those mall kiosk people. Here’s a hint- if I’m interested in your shit I’ll come up to your stand on my own. The last time I was at the mall with my friends some mall kioskers tried to rope us into a hair straightener or something, and for the good of the group I ushered them into the nearest store and just kept yelling, “NOPE NOPE I’m a bitch, a BIGGGGG bitch.” It’s very effective I suggest you try it. Listen, if you don’t want to be on the receiving end of people being rightfully rude to you when you try to hijack their daily lives, don’t get a job where you have to solicit things.
Anyway, back to this cult. Last night, at ten o frickin clock, I was walking out of anatomy lab with a lab partner, and this girl and guy tried to stop us, “We’re students” which was believable because, uhm, this was at a state school, why would you be here at ten at night unless you were students? But then the kicker, “Have you heard of the female image of God?” Yes. I have. From you m*therf*ckers. I became immediately enraged. I should have thought to call the campus police but I didn’t. Instead I just kept walking and said, “Nope, nope, nope. Not doing this. I don’t talk about religion.” And my lab partner was probably shocked at how rude I was, but also probably really thankful because she got to escape too. She said that she’d been approached by them at the mall, and when she said that I vaguely remembered they tried to get me at the mall too. I swear, I’m going to start walking around with (illegal) mace. They’re taking over. Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, hide yo husbands. Just kidding, don’t bother, just be really rude.
I’m all for people having their own beliefs, but I’m highly against people trying to oppress their beliefs on you when you haven’t out-rightly asked for it. I don’t try to shove ice cream (my religion) down your throat by surprise while you’re out running errands, so why are you trying to bother me with this? It makes you seem crazy. Religion shouldn’t be something that people force on you, like my parents forced CCD on me- and that obviously went really well, religion should be something you seek out for yourself. Also, separation of church and state, there shouldn’t be any cults allowed on campus.
I hope they’re there again today or tomorrow. Because I will have the campus police on speed dial and I’m gonna get their ass. Oh, you want to try and attack me with your crazy religion? Ok, here’s my gift to you: police. KBYE.