A Love/Hate Relationship with Non-Slip Shoes

You may be familiar with non-slip shoes. People who work in restaurants and hospitals have to wear them, and let me tell you, they are hella ugly. They’re generally black and maybe white, and look like grandma sneakers. I don’t understand what prevents shoe companies from putting a non-slip sole on a shoe that isn’t absolutely hideous. The most aesthetically tolerable shoe I’ve seen thus far is a non-slip croc. Ladies and gentleman, hell just froze over, because I never thought there’d be a day when I could stand the sight of a croc.

Behold:

arggggg

I unfortuneatly, do not yet own those shoes. They would probably look a lot cuter with a skirt and tights than these motherf*ckers that I bought right here:

I know. Wearing them I must look like I jumped right out of a 90′s hip hop video. They make me want to do the running man. Well, actually, what they really make me want to do is take them off because my feet are so used to NOT wearing real shoes that they have bruised my big toe something fierce. At first I thought my toe was getting infected from an ingrown nail, but no, there’s just a massive pool of blood under my nail because I bruise like a peach and my feet hate ceilings. Otherwise, they are pretty comfortable. They have like a gel bubble on the heal which is effective for about six hours of standing maximum with minimal discomfort. And yes, today I committed a cardinal sin and wore these babies with tights and a skirt, in public, in full view of hundreds of people. I knew they would look awful as I had attempted this before, so this time I didn’t look at myself in the full length mirror before leaving the house in them. That’s the trick. Last time I looked in the mirror I had to change my outfit and was 10 minutes late for work. Just so hideous.

Before now, I based a lot of my life around my footwear. I don’t mean that I had a penchant for stylish and classy shoes, I meant that my ultimate goal in life was to be able to wear either flip flops or Uggs every day of my life, and until this point, I had pretty much pulled that off.

However, I will say that non-slip shoes really are amazing in that you actually never slip. Due to my experience with rain and the very slick floor of Grand Central station, I know that Uggs are NOT non-slip. I can’t tell you how many times I almost broke my ass on that floor. So today when I stepped in a pile of wet spaghetti in front of the dish-washing pit, I only slipped for about a centimeter. It was amazing! And then I wiped the spaghetti all over the floor mat and fulfilled some kind of deep seeded childhood fantasy I never even knew I had.