Sometimes people warn me about what I put on Facebook. To this I kind of roll my eyes, because I’m fully aware of how to use the internet. I’m actually so good at using the internet that I know that the things that you DON’T want people to know are the things that you unintentionally do, and NOT the things you purposely put on a social media website. Aduh. If I were on an admissions committee, no one would ever get into college based on the internet alone, I assure you.
I thought about this yesterday when I read this article from Jezebel. I Sold My Panties Online, and My Mom Found Out. I didn’t even realize people sell panties online, but can you imagine how stupid you have to be to use your real name and information to sell something like that online? For god’s sakes people, pseudonyms! If you’re going to be creepy, at least try to hide it. (Also, I’d like to say that I’m not even considering selling my panties on the internet even though I am so incredibly desperate for money. Hooters I may or may not have considered, but dirty panties is a little bit too low for me.)
For whatever reason, I’ve always had an aptitude for the internet, in a sneaky way. I could probably be a hacker if I wanted to, but I’m way too lazy. However, when it comes to finding out things I want or need to know, you better hope your record is clean because chances are I’ve already found out about things you don’t even remember. Of course this extends to any kind of dating scenario. You better believe I’m going to Google the sh*t out of you at some point in time, to find out if you’re actually the Long Island Serial Killer. Unfortunately, I’ve dated some less than favorable characters in the past, and my extensive Googling has only lead me to even more unfavorable results. For example, one jerk kept turning up on some sexual connections website looking for a lesbian couples to hook up with. Can you tell me who is dumb enough to actually use their first initial and last name, also used for their gmail address, to search for such a thing? Really?
Someone else I dated showed up on ratemymelons.com. I found this using various permutations of usernames and numbers, obviously. I thought about writing out a step-by-step instruction guide on how to do this, but really I just feel pity for guys like this and don’t want to embarrass the entire species. I’ll just trust that you don’t date people like I do.
Another time I dated someone who kept sending me unrequested naked photos (while he had a girlfriend) even after I told him to stop. Sometimes you just have to be a homewrecker, because I’ve also been that cheated-on girl, and I’d rather have someone rain on my parade then date someone who is continually lying to me and sending out naked pictures where my stuff is in the photo on the bathroom counter.
I know someone who is probably more adept at internet sneaking around than I am, and he has shared some of his discoveries and retaliations, and I sure as hell can never date him because it was scary as shit. Impressive, and kind of funny from a distance, but scary as shit.
Believe it or not I’ve actually never gone through anyone’s phone and I don’t think I ever will. But yes I will access public information to ensure that you are not a morally corrupt individual. (Although one time I did sneak into someone’s Facebook because I already knew he was cheating on me. And then I told him that I did it and told him to change his password because I never wanted to be able to do anything that painful to myself ever again.) Especially if you piss me off, because it makes me feel better about myself.
These are my general rules of life that I’ve established from years of being a secret agent for my own life and being duped by stupid jerks:
1. Never date someone who has cheated on someone else. Because guess what? They’ll cheat on you. Cheating is like stealing. Once you do it, it’s not that big of a deal to you. And don’t believe them when they say they’ll never do it to you. Are you an idiot? Were you born yesterday? Nothing makes you different from the last person, you idiot.
2. Never date someone who makes a move on you while in a relationship with someone else, because soon enough you’ll be old news AND you’ll be paranoid.
3. Never date someone who confesses his love for you and in the same breath confesses to a getting a DUI after having driven for two hours drunk, because someone who is still drunk after two hours of driving probably doesn’t really have their perspective about life on straight.
4. Never date someone that you can find looking for threesomes on the internet, because that is a)sleezy b)incredibly stupid. I bet his kids find that someday.
5. Never date someone who sends you a mistaken text telling another girl that he hasn’t spoken to you in months…. while he’s at your house.
6. Never continue to date someone you see walking hand in hand with another girl during your relationship.
7. Never continue to date someone who continually talks about another girl in your presence to irritate you, because he’s probably cheating on you with her.
8. Never date someone who brings up swinging on the first date.
9. Never date someone who refers to you to someone else as an “interest.”
10. Never date someone who sends you naked photos before you even meet them. There will probably be a lot of naked photos of this person floating around, and let me tell you something…. naked photos never stay on one device.
11. Never continue to date someone if you find a photo of them and another girl on their laptop…. and it’s the only photo on their laptop…. and it’s a new laptop.
12. Never date someone if they are adamant about you never coming within 10 feet of their phone or laptop or facebook account.
13. Never date someone with something to hide.
14. Never date someone who has hooked up with all of your friends first…. because it’ll be crazy awkward at your wedding when he/she has already had sex with half the wedding party…. and you have to look at those pictures for the rest of your life. And you know people will be sitting at their computers on Facebook being like… she hooked up with him, and him, and ew, him too!
15. Never date an alcoholic because guess what? They will cheat on you drunk, and your friends will know but won’t say anything because they’ll assume your relationship is already doomed, and then ten years later when you’re married and everyone knows you already got cheated on except you… it’s weird.
16. Never date someone who goes to a party and talks smack about you because you were over him and wouldn’t let him in at 4am when he showed up at your bedroom window, on your roof, drunk. Especially if he is dumb enough to do it when people you know are in the audience.
17. Never date someone with an incredibly awful, cocky ego…. because they’re not going to give a shit about you, and they’re not going to care about telling you the truth.
18. Never date someone who bases whether or not he’s going to dump his girlfriend on whether or not you are down for a booty call (via email, not even a phone call for god’s sake). And DO NOT AGREE TO THAT BOOTY CALL. What is this? Hookers-R-Us?
19. Never date someone who calls you in the middle of the night when they already have a girlfriend and tell you that they love you and no one is as good as you, because guess what? You’re not in that bed, are ya, Dummy? Lies and bullshit.
20. Never date someone who admits to knowing how to install tracking features on iphones! What are you crazy? What are you nuts?