Guys, I’m pretty stressed out. Not because I don’t have a job, not because I’m back in school, not because I live at home with my parents and therefore can never have sex, but because there is so much great television on tonight that:
a) I can’t watch it all at once.
b) I can’t even decide what is most important and prioritize them.
c) There is no way my tivo is going to catch all of this because it can only record one channel at a time.
d) I’m not going to be able to watch all of it tonight because I have class tomorrow morning and therefore have to sleep at some point.
For those of you thinking that football was the most important thing on TV today, you’d be dead wrong- because football isn’t even important at all, but thanks to everyone who stayed home and made my grocery shopping all the more enjoyable. Back to the point, this is what’s on tonight, all new episodes mind you: The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Watch What Happens Live, Shameless, Mob Wives, and Kourtney and Kim take New York.
Let’s start with Kourtney and Kim Take New York (E!)
Tonight is “The beginning of the end” of Kim Kardashian and ‘The Hump.’ Thank god, because Kris Humphries is honestly the worst partner ever (second to an ex of mine who shall not be named) and makes Scott Disick look like a gem, which is not even close to being true. You know that when Scott Disick has to reprimand someone about bad behavior, you’re in bad territory. I do NOT like Kim Kardashian, and I’m still not really sure why she is famous other than for having a sex tape and a gigantic spandex-defying ass. I like her sisters much better. Kourtney and Kim Take New York is more entertaining than Keeping Up with the Kardashians because you don’t have to listen to fame-whore Kris Jenner or see Bruce Jenner’s painful looking face. More importantly, Mason (Kourtney’s son) steals the show. He’s so adorable and I love his little comb over, he knows how to work it. While I find Kourtney endearing, let’s be real, the only reason people watch reality television is for the inevitable schadenfreude. Kris Humphries is the schadenfreude in this situation. I have second-hand embarrassment for Kim Kardashian, because I now realize that she probably actually really did think she could have a fairy tale marriage even though this guy was a jerk from the beginning, and I realize that she is actually SO DUMB that even though she had strong reservations before the wedding she went through with it anyway. As a notorious bail-er (my bail rate is about 60% on any given event), I can’t even go on a date without having strong reservations and changing my mind, and I’m not even a millionaire with a reality show, and you don’t risk losing half your fortune on a date (in which case my fortune would be 75 pairs of underwear and 400 used textbooks that are actually close to worthless).
Just watch this video of Kris Humphries on GMA to see what a genius he is. In case you don’t want to watch the video- I’ll give you a rundown of the transcript:
Interviewer: So Kris, how’s it going?
Hump: Durr durr durr durr basketball dur dur basketball
Interviewer: What did you think when Kim filed for divorce?
Hump: I’m excited for basketball dur dur dur
Interviewer: What do you think the court will decide with the annulment?
Hump: I’m focused on basketball. Dur dur dur basketball. Dur dur. Basketball. Balls. And Baskets.
Next up: Mob Wives (vh1)
Do you see that picture? That’s Big Ang. The only thing more amazing than the amount of plastic surgery this woman has had is her voice. She has the voice of a two pack a day baritone smoker. It is just hypnotic. She’s a new character this season. From what I’ve learned from vh1, she was the niece of a mobster, is a single mother of two, owns many-a-mob-hangout, and loves to bang bad boys. She also loves plastic surgery, and I’m pretty sure there is no possible way she got those boobs in this country because they are just enormous. But I’m not even hating. In some little corner of my mind I would love to be this woman someday if my life goes down the tube in every possible way.
If you’d like to hear her majestic voice: watch the video here
Another reason to watch Mob Wives is because of Drita D’Avanzo. She’s hot and I want her arms, but she’s also slightly crazy and will not hesitate to beat the crap out of anyone. However, she will kick off her pumps first which is just so intelligent of an instinct. She’s also really funny. Her husband has been in jail roughly forever, so she has to take care of things herself. Like the raccoon mafia- which is actually just a family of raccoons.
(I also would really love her accent if I decided to sound like less of a civilized human being.)
I can’t even get into crazy Renee and how bad utterly insane and dramatic she is, or the fact that she decided it would be easier to get a full body lift instead of just losing 35lbs at the gym. This bitch is so crazy that upon waking up from surgery she was rolling around like bouncy ball and ripped her stitches and almost bled to death.
Look at this hotness?! How could you not want to watch? Shameless not only features two very gorgeous individuals and very bad behavior but it’s also really funny. It’s about this alcoholic guy who doesn’t take care of his very large family and how the older sister takes care of everyone, but they’re all kind of corrupt. That hot guy steals cars for a living, despite coming from money. You watch now:
Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo)
I’ll be the first to say I hated Real Housewives of Atlanta last night, and that I have come to hate Nene. I don’t like the yelling, but this season is a lot lighter on the yelling I promise. RHo Atlanta is one show that you can actually enjoy when it’s not a trainwreck because these ladies are hysterical. Phaedra is my favorite. At some point I’m going to have to do a roundup of her best quotes, but as a teaser I’ll give you this. When she was talking about the upcoming birth of her son she said, “I’m having anything they can give me to take off the edge cause I cannot be screaming like a wolf and pooping on no tables.”
Another reason I really, really LOVE RHoA this season is because Kroy Beirmann is now married to Kim Zolciak and lord, that boy is HOT. My actual goal in life is to track down someone exactly like him and snatch him up. This guy is so sweet and has the best butt. They are super cute together, even though originally I thought Kim was a man.
And a video of some ridiculousness:
Watch What Happens Live (Bravo)
You know what? WWHL is definitely at the bottom of my list. I’m tivo-ing it at 3am because I don’t really care that much but sometimes it is really funny depending on who the guest is. I just can’t believe that it’s going to be 5x a week now, because they drink on that show and it’s going to turn Andy Cohen into a raging alcoholic. I like the show mainly because Andy Cohen is a little outspoken and is basically the figurehead of Bravo, my favorite channel ever in the world. I don’t know how I lived before Bravo. Also they have funny video montages and cute tchotchkies in the back of the set that are fun to look at.
Watch this video of my favorite lady Phaedra:
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Scene. Phew. That was long.