Why Cats Are Like Bad Boyfriends

I’ll be your expert on this topic as I’ve had terrible boyfriends and now I have a cat! We were a very anti-cat family until we had some kittens born in our window well. We managed to give two away but fell in love with the ginger cat. I like my cats like I like my men, gingers. I’ve realized that the appeal of cats is a lot like the reason women loveeeee shitty boyfriends.

1) The more you love them, the more they ignore you. You see a cat and you just want to snuggle it. They’re like OH HELLZ NO. But I’ve noticed that if you try to ignore them, then they want your attention. Much like when you get rid of a bad boyfriend, how they call you in the middle of the night and proclaim their love for you over and over and over, but only if you are “over them.” The appeal with both is that it’s like a challenge. You’re convinced that someday you will win this love/hate game, but really you’re just being an idiot. I want my cat to act like my dogs who worship me, but that will never happen, and that’s also why I feel the need to snuggle with my cat more than the dogs. It’s the challenge.

2)Bitch make me a sandwich. It’s a well known fact that cats only really try to suck up to you when they’re hungry. They even talk to you. Kind of like if a guy wants you to cook for them.

3) They don’t care when you’re sleeping. My cat thinks its the funnest thing in the world to try and shred my feet at 5am every single morning. I think he understands my cries of “ouch” and “no” but doesn’t really give a shit, he’s just bored. Same as like when guys wake you up in the middle of the night with their boner and you’re like “no, please, I’m sleeping” and they just don’t care. Easier to get it over with than reason with them.

4)They will steal your shit. Jewelry and credit cards. Cats and guys. Main target. One of my favorite earrings is missing and I have no doubt the cat has it in some stash somewhere. I know someone who’s wedding band went missing thanks to her cats.

5) They leave shit everywhere. Remember walking into guys’ apartments in college? Beer cans and random stolen bushes everywhere? For days? It’s like coming home to your cat after a long day at work. It’s like they tried their hardest to take random crap from all over the house and leave it all over the place.

6) They have a love for plants, in an edible sense. I’m pretty sure all bad boyfriends have a terrible weed problem. And I’m pretty sure all cats love to eat house plants, regardless of the fact that they may even be synthetic.

7) Inconsiderate Bathroom Habits. Have you ever been in a guy’s bathroom? There’s never any toilet paper left and there’s always pubes everywhere for some reason. You give a cat a litterbox with a lid and they still manage to kick litter all over the place. And then the dog tried to eat their poop. It’s like a germaphobe nightmare and it’s happening to me.

8 ) Unwillingness to snuggle. You know you have a really terrible boyfriend when you just want to snuggle and they flat out say no. They don’t even give you like a two minute grace period. If you’ve ever tried to snuggle a cat against their will you know that you basically have to try to hold onto them like a raging bull.

9)The worst presents ever. One time a had an ex boyfriend bring me home half-dead tulips that his friend’s ex-girlfriend had sent to his friend. It was actually the most disturbing thing ever, and one of the three times I ever got flowers. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with an errant spikey dryer ball in my bed. The cat gives it to me not because he loves me, but because he’s trying to show off what he killed. It’s kind of the same. Thank god he’s not allowed outside because if I ever woke up with a dead animal in my bed I’d lose my mind.

10) They can’t be trained. In some part of my head I’m convinced I can teach my cat to sit down and roll over just like I taught the dogs, but really that’s never going to happen. He just doesn’t care enough about wanting to please me. Same with boyfriends. You think that at some point they’re going to get how you want to be treated, but really they just don’t care and know that you’re dumb enough to stick along for the ride.

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2 responses to “Why Cats Are Like Bad Boyfriends

  1. lol…never heard like that before but ok….

  2. Judging by my cat, I would probably have adorable boyfriends if I was a girl – or into men for that matter. Well, nobody is perfect I guess.
    Oh and thread necromancy ftw.

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