That Time Chubby Probably Almost Caused My Eventual Death

There are three things you should know about my dog Chubby before I get into my story from tonight.

1.He eats ABSOLUTELY everything (lemons, firewood, string… I think he actually goes out of his way to eat string because he likes how it feels when you have to pull it out of his butt… what a sicko).

2. He puts his butt on everything/everyone. He just likes to have his butt touch things because it’s comforting. We often speak for him and say “Just let me put my butt on you.” Buster is a frequent victim of Chubby putting his butt right in his face.

An examply of that second point.

3. He will always bring you a present.

What kind of person names their dog Chubby? I do, and after tonight I am so glad that I did.  I had no part in deciding on this puppy. Had I been there, I would have not picked him. My dad picked him. I would have noticed that he was a few ounces heavier than my other puppy was when we got him despite being a full week or two younger. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A RED FLAG.

In this photo, you see Chubby as a wee baby. At this point, we called him Max. He doesn’t even know his name as Max, he only responds to Chubby, which kicked in almost immediately.

on the ride home

He always had this inflated belly. He almost looks pregnant. He’s been seen by vets and they never said anything about it. He’s a maltipoo, so he should have been between 6-12lbs. Well, at four years old Chubby is now 25lbs.


Chubby is really really affectionate, and he will always bring you a present. When you come home, he’ll grab the first thing he can find and bring it to you. Sometimes it’s a shoe, most of the time it’s a bone, sometimes it’s a paper plate (because my other dog will only eat off paper plates), but it’s always something. Chubby also really likes to eat in bed. He always immediately brings his dish to his bed. If you are missing a shoe, you should probably check his bed.

Case and point:

Today my mom sent me this photo. Apparently Chubby took an entire package of blueberry muffins, straight from the grocery store, and brought them to bed. However, he couldn’t open the plastic container because he’s not very bright. If it had been my late dog Missy (that he replaced) she would have been able to do it.

So then I come home several hours later and my mom is ranting and raving about how she left the ham and cheese at the grocery store. She calls the store, no one picks up. She goes crazy looking all around the kitchen and even the car for this package of deli meat. All the while, I may or may not be smooching Chubby (maybe one or two on the lips) because he’s so ridiculous and funny. We like to tell him to his face how fat he is, which is why he is probably caught in a vicious cycle of emotionally eating…. like the rest of us. And then she checks his bed and sees that the piece of paper that is there is really a piece of wax paper AND the plastic ziplock bag from the thing formerly known as a package of deli meat. He single handedly (in reality he probably dragged it over and had some help from the other dog and the cat) polished off a half pound of ham and a half pound of muenster cheese. For a few hours after, my mom said that every time she looked at him he burped.

So then I sit down on the couch to relax a little and Chubby is two steps behind as usual. I see him pick up something, which he brings to me on the couch. Except this time, it’s a piece of cat poop because my stupid other dog likes to take the cat poop out of the litter box. I yelled at him and disposed of it, very quickly. And then I realized that I had smooched him on the lips. And now I probably have second hand cat poop lips and probably will contract listeriosis (bacteria found in cat poop and also -sometimes- cantaloupe, see: the great cantaloupe crisis of 2011) and die- all for this face right here.

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